Adventureman

Another hectic Saturday, and because I've been ill this week I don't have to run any errands. Nope, no negotiating my way through a grocery store filled with harried women and confused men for me today, or waiting for 20 minutes in a short line at the Post Office, while the lady at the counter continues to ask for assistance everytime the postman asks her if there is anything else; and forget about the lost tourists who drive too fast and don't stop for pedestrians (big law in Maine!) causing my blood pressure to steadily rise. Instead, I get to stay home. 
So I here I am,  sitting in my office listening to adventureman (my four year old grandson) bustle about. Thomas train tracks being strewn from one end of his playroom to another, the storyline locked in his little mind.

Not such a little mind I muse. OH, to have such a large future before you little man, to have the ability, a mindless, thoughtless chance to see just everything as new, as "WHAT??!", WOW, “SHAWOWEE! Grammy lookit THAT!”. I wonder how my life can possibly be banal any longer (or quiet ever again)?
How fortunate am I to have had this wonder returned to me! I must take this one by the horns, I think, I must not lose this chance…..
The very idea of finding myself in this situation at my age stuns me. I never expected this. I never expected him. But here we are, and I am faced with the idea that I can no longer feel older than I am, it's not time yet, I am still too young.
The questions loom as if in a huge thought bubble above my head, and I realize they are not only mine to answer, for Caleb will ultimately have something to say about it. How are we going to do this, which road should we take? Which chances will we not pass by? Which chance is this?
I wonder, haven’t I done this before?  Diapers changed, dinners cooked, nightmares, baths, brushed teeth, temper tantrums. No, I think, not like this, not with hindsight.
Last time I did it all with youthful, idealistically fueled antagonism. I primarily antagonized myself, yet I now see that the fallout was for others to bear. My children's pain because of my behavior when they were young haunts me daily.
Just as I am haunted by my parent's behavior.
I see my daughters with their daughters now, and I realize that they are flying by the seat of their collective pants just as I did, and my parents did before me. Perhaps we honestly do the best that we can with the tools that we have.
So, I shall attempt to do without the victimization this round, to do this with my arms, my heart, and my mind all open wide. Embrace the opportunity, not use any and all things to hide from the responsibilities of doing it 'right' as before.
This child, this gift that I have been given, this miracle borne of great sadness needs laughter and activity in his life now, he wants to understand, to learn. So to this particular adventureman who has been left far too often to his own devices I will attempt to give safety; and perhaps in this round of our lives, neither of us will feel the ruthless, ice-cold clutch of neglect.
Perspective is something that belongs to both of us, this time I see that, he may be small, but he thinks; and because he thinks he should not have his innocence, his wonder stolen from him. It is right that my perspective be somewhat pragmatic, so that his can be SHAWOW, lookitthat!
The universe in this case is far more just, balanced than I’d have thought it would be. There is gold here, for both of us, we heal one another. Just as we cry the same tears, we smile with the same mouth; and our windex blue eyes see with the same intensity, even if mine are no longer as piercing as his.
I will go downstairs and request entrance into his world of magic now; and once he lets me in, we'll probably discuss the megablok castle in progress. I note that he frequently asks my opinion. This time as I catch him considering what I've said, I let him have his own thoughts, I don't tell him what it should be, I find that I am far more interested in what he thinks it ought to look like, and why. I glory in that, because I finally realize how simple it is to raise a human being.
I know now that it's not about what we make happen, in fact it is about what we watch unfold. That it isn't about keeping them safe from themselves or this world, no, it's about watching them experience what they come across, and guiding them with respect.
If we worry, they worry. If we're sad, they want to know why. So perhaps we should not worry quite so much, as after all, we do know that things tend to work out, if not in what we feel is our favor, then in ways that we can live with, or change.
Maybe, just as we pick our battles we should choose what to be appropriately sad about. Ask ourselves why, because at least then we can rationally explain it to the children and we might also understand.
I can't speak for you, nor you for me, but I know this much, I know that this time around, I am going to experiment with just letting it roll. Keeping him safe, loving him through all of it, yet listening to what he has to tell me. This time I will learn, just as I will teach.
What I won't question today is the extent of his presence in my life, I won't waste our time.
I'd rather sit on the floor and look at the world from Caleb's perspective.
I'd rather discuss the castle today.