Monday: Columbus Day

I woke up in a tizzy at 8:30 this morning, I could hear Caleb in the background chattering to himself in his bedroom, and I suddenly realized that it was Monday morning and he was supposed to have been taken to school 30 minutes earlier! I jumped up and ran out to the hallway telling him that we were late and needed to move it move it move it! Then, I turned in my bedroom doorway and saw my husband, who is normally out of bed by 6 or 6:30, to post a daily article on a web site that he writes for, and saw him snuggled down in the covers, his face peeking out. I told him in a pretty wigged out voice that we should have had Caleb in school already, to which he dryly responded, "It's a holiday", and rolled over facing the other way.

I just told Caleb to go into his room and play with his toys, and then I went into the bathroom.

Now it's noon, I'm not dressed yet, and I am not accomplishing anything worthwhile, I am sitting here permitting myself to be overwhelmed by things that I am not sure matter. Then again, they probably matter quite a bit. For instance, we have lived in this house since the end of March, 6 months, and there are still unpacked boxes everywhere. No art is hung, half of our garage is still filled with boxes of linens, art and things like shoes. I have no idea what else is in there however, I'm sure that if I went through it I'd end up with several things that would help me decorate this house. It's a large center foyer, contemporary colonial. It has a two story foyer and at the top of it are windows from two of the upstairs bedrooms that look out into the foyer, they have brown stained shutters on them now, but I've had some other ideas for them and it would be nice to get going with some of this stuff.

We have a lot of windows, in the living room, we have a door to the screened porch that has a window on it (I don't care for it, but it's what is there now), as well as two triple windows, one of them is almost floor to ceiling, the other shorter. We live in northern Maine and it gets freezing cold here, the snow hadn't completely melted around here until late April, so I know that I have to get them covered and soon.

In the dining room I have a triple window, floor to ceiling and sliders onto the deck that runs around three quarters of the house. Also not covered, there really isn't money for drapes but I have a sewing machine and am a quilter (I also have two unfinished quilts owed to my granddaughters who were born in March and May!) and more than capable of sewing some lined curtains for those two rooms. In the kitchen I only have one window, not too large, over the sink and it has a battenburg valence hanging on it.

There are some very cool aspects of this house, it is huge, and pretty, and has beams everywhere, and a loft over the playroom that is in the back of the house. The living room runs the length of the house, as does the master bedroom that is directly above the living room, and the MB has a small deck with sliders that overlooks a creek and is on the side of the house where the deck runs into the screened porch.

We live on 12 acres, mostly wooded, and there are some old buildings on this property as well. If I were 15 years younger this place would be decorated to the nines, what is with me?? I used to have so much energy, but it wasn't just physical it was also psychological. After I went bonkers in '02 when I found out that Mama was dying, well, ever since then, I've been unable to shake the hanging around in my nightgown deal. Just taking a shower often seems like an insurmountable task that I can't overcome, then when I finally get my rear off the bed and take it, it's over and wasn't any big deal. You'd think that I'd remember that and just go with it, or make it a mindless task and go with that. I have honestly got no idea where the energy came from to do my hair and makeup every single morning after showering at like 6:30, or earlier to get to work. Hell, when we lived in CA for a while I used to walk to the train station, a mile from my house, for exercise, every day, rain or shine, after doing that shower, hair, makeup routine. Now I can barely get out of bed. What is wrong with me???

I try constantly to set objectives, small ones, such as-today I will unpack a box-or today I will hang up the wreathes in the kitchen- and I don't do it, and end up feeling worse about myself because I didn't.

I take 300 mgs of Wellbutrin a day, am supposed to be taking Zoloft as well, but after I reached 50 mgs a day of that I began seeing that I was retaining fluids again, and I just can't be on anything that causes that, I am looking bad enough as it is. Besides, I used to do all of that just because I had incentive, which I have no idea how to put into words. I didn't need anti depressants or speed (which I do not take) or anything. I was always an optimist, I'd look up at the sun and smile, go for long walks after dinner with my husband, and that was after the morning routine, the train thing, working all day, coming home, walking home from the train station and cooking dinner, then cleaning up after dinner, and THEN going for a walk.

So, what is with me?

Anybody got any ideas?