Growing Up in Different Environments HUH..

My father died about four years ago, maybe it was three, I can never even figure out how old my parents WERE never mind how long they've been gone. Just not my thing.
In any case, my father has(d), although she is still with us, a sister, a sister who was incredibly nice to me, a needy kid craving adult attention. She was just so kind & warm, & her face was always on 'smile', it seemed like always anyway. She was the person that taught me (just because she did it) about smiles reaching people's eyes and what that meant in terms of sincerety. As she never let me down, not once. 
She is also still a remarkably beautiful woman, but one of things that made her so when I was a kid was that smile. I adored her.

For a lot of years she was the mother of my cousin Lynne (she's still Lynne's Mom) who was for a lot of years my dearest friend. My tween, giggle, hang out in the bathroom, make sure we wiped off all of the makeup before dinner, "Get those tissues out of your BRA, you look so silly!" friend! She was tons of fun, and, like me, willing to try anything, once..
My father's mother, Mimi as we called her, used to take me to South Carolina on the bus to visit my Aunt and her family. Mimi did this for several years, I'm not sure how many, but I do know that I looked forward to those visits with great zeal, for several different reasons, every year that she took me.
My Aunt Elaine and Uncle Ted were always laughing, Uncle Ted was like a big teddy bear, he was a big man with an even larger heart made of solid gold who loved ice cream, and I loved him. One year I think when I was in High School, or maybe Potomac which for me would have been Nursing School #1,  my mother just happened to mention that Uncle Ted had died, I still don't know why he died.
His death wasn't given the respect and attention that I thought it deserved, but I've come to realize in my adulthood, that other than Dad, only my sister Leslie and I had strong positive feelings for them. My brothers didn't hold any bad feelings, they just didn't care about much other than themselves at that point in their lives. They thought that he was a cool guy, and they were harmless, it just was what it was.
I was profoundly affected by Uncle Ted's death. First of all, I thought that he was too young, and I was concerned about my Aunt because it was clear that they loved one another very much. They were always hugging and kissing. I wanted to go to South Carolina, and I must have been in High School, because my mother said NO, and she said it in her 'and that is FINAL so don't ask me again', voice. 
That was when I realized that I was the one in our family, besides my dad I thought then, who was the closest to the Eilenburg's. It too made me sad, but I was begrudgingly happy that I knew more about their family life than anyone other than Mimi did.
I have chapters and chapters of fond, happy memories from those summer visits, and from some weekend visits we made to them in Foxcroft Mass. when I was a really little girl.
I now believe that when we used to go to Foxcroft to see them, my parents marriage was still young enough that all of the in-law (I can see my family as much as possible, you can see yours in emergencies) rules had yet to be established. My parents were married only one year longer than my age, so if I was really young, so were they. But I digress.
On occasion, perhaps twice if you include my wedding, when my parents lived in DC and I was in Nursing School in Bethesda & living with the rents, they came to see us.
But I didn't see them nearly as often as I'd have liked to, and there was no good reason why not.
Just as there is no reason in the world why when my parents retired, young, to North Carolina they hardly EVER visited Elaine, that's just embarrassing because they drove to Long Island to see my mother's sibs quite frequently!
My theory is now that because my Mother was very spoiled by my father and a masterful manipulator and because she was the one who had issues with my Aunt and Grandmother, he let her keep them at arms length. Dad may not even have realized it, I certainly didn't while I was a kid, and I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out.
I could also be wrong about this but I doubt it, as since they've died I've discovered a pattern in their marriage while mulling over who they were as people; and if that was the case it must have been difficult for my father because my parents came from very different places, and Elaine was Dad's only living sibling, to my Aunt and my Grandmother he was the man of their house, their family, and he wasn't around for them as much as he might have been.
I don't feel good about that, but they aren't my amends to make.
What I'm getting at here, is that my aunt and uncle had three kids, their oldest and only son, Teddy became an MD, he changed his name from Eilenberg to Bonner (Mimi's maiden name) so that he wouldn't be perceived in the deep south (he went to Tulane) as a Jewish Doctor! That completely scandalized me, I remember clearly thinking that my Uncle Ted must have felt just awful, and that he was such a kind, understanding man that he'd never let on. I just thought that it was rather bodacious of my cousin, but he had something of a temper and I tended to equate him with my father and stayed away from him.
Their's was a happy house. In general noone was angry, and if they ever were they settled it so that everyone involved felt better. My Aunt was a psychotherapist, my Uncle some sort of Dean at Clemson in Spartenburg and that is where they lived, but because Elaine was a therapist things were much more healthy in that house than they were at my home as far as I could see.
Just after Christmas, I made contact with my cousin Lynne after more than 30 years. I last saw her at my first wedding in 1977, she married soon after that, quietly, in the south, I didn't go, don't remember why not, and she had her first child the same year that I had mine, 1981.

Over the years I have wondered how she and my aunt were, what Lynne's family was like. Lynne is now also a psychotherapist and she has been married to one for 32 years. They have three children, one BEAUTIFUL daughter, and two handsome boys; and they share a practice.

They went on a retreat together (all 5 of them) held in Costa Rica a couple of weeks ago, and the pictures from that retreat and others show me that Lynne has a very happy family, her kids love and respect her, her husband loves her and she looks just great.
I am thrilled to once again have her in my life. I hope I don't lose her again. She is a treasure, and I just want to know how she did it.
But it figures, she was born to the happy sibling and she is happy and her life is great. I was born to the angry sibling and I spend a lot of energy attempting to keep my skewed life together and to keep my children speaking to me. I have one son who doesn't even acknowledge me as his mother. Some of it just has to be environmental. I was pretty angry in my young adulthood, and consumed by education, I didn't ever choose a husband who would be open as a helpmate.
Some of it just HAS to be environmental!